The pragmatism of choosing a woman

#10/13/11: In his 1745 Work "Advice to a Young Man on the Choice of a Mistress" Benjamin Franklin once again shows off his humor, wit, and pragmatism in this letter, addressed to a "dear friend" in which he gives his advice on whom a young man, such as his friend, should choose for a mistress. Franklin begins, as any good man of God should, by advocating marriage as the true remedy of his friend's longings, and that only through marriage will he find true happiness. What struck me about this part of the letter is that, like almost EVERYTHING we read by Franklin, I had no idea if he was being sarcastic or not in his admonitions of the man for choosing to stray from a proper marriage. As we all know, Franklin was NOT the type of man to get married and stay settled, and in fact during his time in France he had more than one mistress of his own. I can see it both ways, because as a Quaker, I believe Franklin really does believe that marriage does bestow happiness. Unlike the pomp and circumstance of the Catholic Church or the Church of England, the Quaker conception of marriage was between two friends in love, and as such it seems the best option for the young man. However, I can also see this is a sort of "wink wink" to his interlocutor, essentially saying well look, here's what I'm SUPPOSED to tell you: Marriage! BUT now that I've got that out of the way, I'll just give you my advice SHOULD you choose to IGNORE my earlier advice...cough cough. I don't know, I can just see Ben doing something like that, winking at me off the face of a 100 Dollar bill...anyways moving on. I think Franklin's pragmatism is really funny and clever in this piece, and I think this piece is more about Franklin proving a point than really trying to convince the young man of anything. The way I read it, it seems that Franklin is saying "Hey look man, I told you you should find someone you love, and you can stand to be with for the rest of your life and just run with it, but if you're expecting me to tell you 'well if you wont do that, find the hottest sexiest chick in town and make your move' that's NOT what you'll be hearing." I think Franklin wants to prove that the conception of an ideal mistress as a young, beautiful, mysterious thing is stupid, and that if you're really dead-set on taking someone just for your physical pleasure, you might as well go with a more experienced broad who knows exactly what she's doing and is smart enough not to get attached. In fact, this is damn good advice for a guy coming out of a long term relationship after college or something like that, because it's true: If you're just looking for sex without all the emotional baggage, why would you look for someone who has no idea what they want or how to be a lover? I think this eternal pragmatism, and satire and humor are all facets of both Franklin and the Enlightenment literature we have studied this semester, and this one in particular gave me a few chuckles.

Practice Makes Perfect

Benjamin Franklin's attempt to sway the reader to marry properly in “Advice to a Young Man on the Choice of a Mistress" fails miserably in comparison to his list of reasons to chase a cougar. Franklin fools the audience into anticipating pithy wisdom in the beginning of the letter with phrases like, "A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal." Unbeknownst to the reader, he continues to write a few more lines of tongue-in-cheek marriage advice before relaying the list that puts into detail how he really feels about maximizing one's sexual potential; chasing older women. Franklin makes a pretty radical transition when he wisely advises the reader about the maturing state of a woman's physique; "So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one." Franklin’s letter was so controversial and graphic for its time that according to Wikipedia, "Federal court decisions from the mid- to late- twentieth century cited the document as a reason for overturning obscenity laws." This fact speaks to the raunchiness of the letter and reflects it's radical nature in that day and for years to come. Franklin does make some valid, more tasteful arguments when he describes older women as more knowledgeable of the world and more unlikely to have children. He tries to maintain some sort of “good guy” image when he warns that pursuing a young girl too early could ruin her life. I found it amazing that Franklin ends the list with the point, “They are so grateful!” It seems he could only acquire this belief and most of the others through personal experience. It makes me a little uncomfortable when I think about Franklin living his “paradox.” It is unreal that the same man who wrote, “If you get a prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Economy, will be a Fortune sufficient," also wrote, “Because thro' more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion.” Ben obviously knew a little bit more about how to sneak around with the ladies than sustaining a traditional long-term relationship.

The Balance of Power

As a modern American woman, I obviously felt that some of our readings last night were way out of line with my view of the world, and I thought that most people in the U.S. today agreed with me that husbands should not have absolute control over their wives and that obedience is not the most important trait in a wife. But I was studying with a friend of mine and telling him about how ridiculous some of the readings were, and I was extremely surprised to hear that he actually agrees with Rousseau, that wives should be submissive to their husbands and allow them to make all decisions in the marriage. He was telling me about how his mother actually lives by these rules and is perfectly happy, and he plans on marrying someone who is willing to be obedient and submissive. It never even occurred to me that there are still people – even people I know and respect! – who believe that these outdated ideas about women are true.

This incident really made me think about whether or not it is really that bad for a wife to be subordinate to her husband. Obviously, I came to the conclusion that it really is a bad system that oppresses women. But on the other hand, I do not think that the relationship between husbands and wives today is really up to scratch in many cases today either. There are a lot of feminists in the world who think wives should be in control of their husbands just as Rousseau wanted husbands to be in control of their wives. Even normal women who aren’t crazy feminists feel pressure to be free from the tyranny of men, which is a completely justified feeling, but it can often create a lot of tension as husbands and wives struggle to be in control. In a perfect world, there would be a different balance of power between husbands and wives, and I do not pretend to know where that balance should be, but it is not what Rousseau wrote about in “Duties of Women” and it is not the tension of today. The sexes should be equal, but one cannot deny that men and women are different and should have different roles in marriage. Maybe one day society will find a good balance and everyone can chill out and live in wedded bliss.

Marriage Advice from a Newlywed

Benjamin Franklin wrote “Rules and Maxims for Promoting Matrimonial Happiness” as a result of events happening in his personal life. Franklin had a son named William in 1729, a time when he went around with many women to the point where he did not know the mother of his child. Although the two were relatively strangers, they decided to fool everyone and create the impression that William was legitimate by telling others he was born two years later. He published "Rules and Maxims for Promoting Matrimonial Happiness" in the Pennsylvania Gazette in 1730, a little over a month after his common-law marriage to the mother of his son. He claimed that the set of rules were for women because they were "better disposed to receive and practice it," although he later mentions that husbands should practice a lot of the same things he directs at women. It is rather bold of Franklin to make suggestions regarding marriage when he didn’t even know the mother of his first-born son. Not only did he not know her, he lied to everyone about his son’s birthday to make himself seem like less of a womanizer. Franklin then has the nerve to make the point that the best way to marry a good man is to act in kind as a lady of class. Class? One could argue he isn’t always the best example of that himself. Ironically, he speaks on the act of deception too, warning women against ever trying to manage their husbands and to never deceive or impose on them. Franklin suggests that a good wife avoids trying her husband’s patience but instead always tries to be respectful and affectionate. A “team” approach is promoted, where a healthy couple takes on life’s obstacles together, avoiding dispute because of the possible emotional effects. I found it interesting how even though Franklin attempts to include some universal rules in his writing he still makes it clear he believes that a woman's power and happiness are based on her husband's love and attention. I am not sure where Franklin has picked up such expertise, or how he can sincerely believe in some of his ideas regarding fidelity when he had recently been promiscuous himself. Franklin tells men not to stray from their wives, but time will tell if he can live what he preaches.